Glow, Siree

Do you know the 12 causes of massive splenomegaly? The 7 radiological findings in a patient with long-standing mitral stenosis? The differential diagnoses in a patient with hepatic bruit?

You don't? Well, your life isn't worth living anymore. At least, that was what I was told when they found out I didn't know what albuminocytological dissociation was.

I am way too depressed to be writing about my misadventures in the Medicine clinics. You, my favouritest people on Earth (after my mom and Superman), are going to be treated to a glossary of terms used by the average mallu medico. Yes, things are that bad.

1. Desp

Who doesn't know this one? Short for despondent, it covers everything from pre-exam blues to alimentary failure. Often prefixed by vann, katta, bhayankara, regardless of its appropriateness.

e.g.: Desp exam, dude.

2. Horror

This encompasses that complex range of emotions that assault you upon running into The Vampire when you sneak off to the canteen for a cup of tea.

e.g.: Horror exam, dude.

3. Waste

Garbage, of the performance kind.

e.g.: Waste exam, dude.

4. Kalippu

Trouble, I guess. One if those words that defy the English language.

5. Keeri ottichu

Literally, torn and stuck (onto some surface). What the examiner does to a student on the orals.

e.g.: Dude, how did your ENT viva go?

Keeri ottichu, man.

6. Vann/Katta

Adjectives, meaning very.

e.g.: Vann/Katta desp/horror/waste exam, dude.

AP, that was a katta presentation. :D (They really did say that. Without threats or bribes.)

7. Coople

A derogatory term for couple, used by chronically single medicos.

8. Kidu/Kidilam/Katta

Awesomeness.

e.g.: "Have you seen that katta hottie in Surgery?"

"Oh, yesss..." *drools*

9. I am the happy.

The medico's comment on running into the aforementioned hottie.

10. Sasi (pronounced sha-shi)

A mallu male. The same guy who saved up for 3 months to buy the best pair of jeans ever made, and wore it for a week and raved about its fit, only to find out later that his sister owned the exact same pair.

11. Chronics

Medicos who have not been seen in class since the first day back in first year. Most of them are sleeping or watching movies, some of them drive taxis.

12. SP

A medico (or a doctor) who cannot stop singing his own praises.

e.g.: "I can transplant a liver in less than 10 minutes."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I am a vann kidu."

13. PCP

In use only among my friends. Stands for paapi chellunnidam pathalam, which means that hell is where the sinner is. And the sinner is yours truly. Here is a typical day in the life of a PCP.

"I was late getting up, and had to skip breakfast. I missed my bus, and the auto I managed to get could be outrun by a turtle. And then he charged me twice the actual rate, and I had to pay him, because arguing with him would make me late for class. I broke all speed records on my way to the classroom, only to find the door being shut as the teacher was 5 seconds ahead of me. I was yelled at, marked absent, and then had to sit through the most boring class of the century. In the middle of which, my cell phone rang, and I was severely reprimanded for disrupting the class. (It was my mom calling to ask if I had the plumber's number.) I found out I had forgotten to bring my homework, the one that had taken me the whole of last night to write, because it was kept next to my breakfast. Which I didn't eat, because I had woken up late. Because I was up the whole night doing my homework."

This, peoples, is PCP.

14. Chori

A very irritating person, more or less. More, actually.

e.g.: That narcoleptic in SPM is a horror chori.

15. Chalu

A joke that can cause bodily harm to the teller.

e.g.: What is haste cuisine?

Fast French food.

I think there are more. In fact, I know there are more, but I can't think of any right now. I'll leave you with these now, and go complete my assignment. I have to submit it tomorrow morning.