Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Love's Labour's Lost

Out, damn'd spot! Things are still pretty hectic in the labour room. I have assisted a zillion deliveries and sutured a zillion and five episiotomies, and haven't yet managed to scrub out the smell of amniotic fluid from my hair. I don't want to see another perineum in my life.

More babies being born. Toodle-oo!

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Nights in White Satin

My brain is *yawn* temporarily out of order (I am hoping the damage *yawn* is not permanent), what with the sleep *yawn* deprivation and all. The labour *yawn* room is HORRIBLE.

All right, I am going back to sleep. If I stay longer, *yawn* I'll start talking gibberish. 'Night.

Saturday, January 12, 2008


In keeping with the ‘2008 is out to get me’ theory, I had a lousy week. I shall omit the details, and skip directly to the highlights.

I lost my dad’s cell phone. In an auto rickshaw. After which R and I scanned the faces of every single auto driver we saw. I shall soon start receiving marriage proposals from old, balding auto drivers.
“I saw your daughter checking me out. I have divorced my fat and ugly wife and the kids are already asking for their new mother. I hope you don't want an elaborate ceremony. I have to drive a lady to the railway station in an hour.”

My dad’s heart stopped pumping iron (the haemoglobin kind) for a while, and he was in the hospital. He is all right now (he's watching Schwarzenegger 'acting' in the other room. On TV. Arnie never visits us ever since he got elected), but I am a nervous wreck. They should change the warning on cigarette packs from “Smoking is injurious to your health” to “Smoking is injurious to the health of your family too. Please euthanise them before you open the pack and burn your lungs.” He quit after his first heart attack, but then took up eating, so he had a second one three years ago. This messed up the circuits in his heart, and it likes to stop once in a while.

Of the five people in my unit, only two bother to show up in the wards. Eli and I. And we are the ones who get yelled at because the rest have bunked. They do not give us classes. I hate that unit.

The idiot with whom we (Arch and I) are doing the project? is an asshole. I screamed at him in the middle of the Obstetrics ward, and one woman immediately went into labour. The creep never shows up for any of the work, and then makes high handed ‘suggestions.’ I told him what he could do with his ‘advice’, in a loud voice. Me, the epitome of calmness and serenity.* We had a shouting match, which ended with the gravida becoming a para.

I went to the bank for my mom and the teller was just leaving for her lunch when she saw me, and decided she would help out just one more person and then leave. Then this screwed up moron arrives and insists she cash his cheque, because it is her duty as a public servant to do that, since he is a member of the public. I could just see him in our hospital, dying of multiple stab wounds, when suddenly he turned on me and started screaming at me. And being the brave warrior that I am, I gave him a sickly smile, collected my money, and left. Yes, that’s my tail you see tucked between my legs.

I sat through an hour and a half long lecture on glaucoma. I was foaming at the mouth by the time the class ended, and wasn’t conscious or oriented enough to get up and leave before the next class. And then the next teacher comes in, and immediately picks on me to answer some question.

To add insult to injury, I begin my labour room postings on Thursday. I have to be in the lecture hall at eight! in the morning! even though my shift starts at night. For the first 2 weeks, I have the night shift, after which I have day shift for the next fortnight. Until the day before my exams start. Did I mention that the shifts are 12 hours long? Because that's a lie. It comes to 14. And sometimes 15. My inner masochist is really looking forward to it.

I had a date with the most wonderful man on earth yesterday. He wore three rings on each hand, and four gold chains around his neck. He had a long red tilak on his forehead. His bright orange silk shirt did not clash with his fluorescent green lungi- the wide red belt he wore took care of that. His shades made me feel cool just by looking at it. He told me to change my name to Adorabble Panncreas, which is in keeping with the time of my birth. Adorable Pancreas is offensive to Neptune, who rose to power in 2008. He charged me 300 rupees for 2 minutes, but it was totally worth it. He is not the most famous astrologer in the district for nothing.

I am not sure how hectic labour room is going to be. If you are going to miss me, click on the link on the sidebar. If you think I suck, show your disapproval by clicking on the link on the sidebar.**

*sort of
**pathetic. I know.

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Crappy New Year

2008 has been consistent so far. Every single day sucked.

The house surgeons have all graduated. I think the University is having fun making paper planes out of the answer sheets of the next batch, to account for the delay in the declaration of results. In the meantime, the hospital is experiencing an acute shortage of slave labour. The Department of Ob-G has solved the problem by recruiting us fourth years. I spent the last admission day sitting in the OPD measuring the blood pressure of hysterical pregnant women. I never want to see a manometer again.

I am the official pelvis holder for the labour demonstration classes. Enough said.

Since I do not wish to relive monstrosity that was the first week of 2008, I shall now proceed to enumerate the search terms that direct you folks to my blog. This one, not the one that nobody reads, whose ownership I refuse to acknowledge.

1. doctor medical student ladies hostel photo video

I am not a doctor (yet), and I am not a hosteller. I do not have any videos, but I do have a couple of photos from the hostel. Enjoy!

This is known as The Loop. It's a circular stretch of deserted road outside the hostel. The inmates often Walk the Loop. It's very pretty, don't you think?

2. does having radiotherapy make you impudent

Radiotherapy does many things to cancer patients, including making them cheeky. One patient even wanted to know if she would ever recover. Now if that isn't impudence, I don't want know what is.

3. enting water conditioning

Um, what?

4. chicken pox during first trimester should i do abortion

I do not offer medical advice on my blog. Please consult a qualified obstetrician.

5. ccc cornea

Internet English for see, see, see, cornea? The KKK working undercover, are targeting corneas? CCC needs a cornea? I am really sorry, but mine are currently under use. The present owner intends to keep them for at least another 50 years. If you can't wait that long, there's always kill Aishwarya Rai. For more information on Aish's corneas, contact Salman Khan or Viveik (is that how he spells it? Darn numerologists!) Oberoi.

6. types of sequestrum

Let me see. You do not have a textbook, you are online, and your search terms are very specific.
Diagnosis: You are trying to cheat a an exam using your GPRS phone! *shocked*
Go away!
Psst! Try this site.

7. stretched assholes stitches

I do not like foul mouthed sodomists. Shoo! Scat!

8. picture immature cataract

Adorable Pancreas. Striving towards reader satisfaction.

9. fainted while a hospital patient can i sue

That is so sad. Did you get that brain transplant yet?
By the way, I fainted while a hospital doctor (the degree is merely a technicality. I'm Dr. AP.) Can I sue?

10. tell me everything about skeletal traction

Everything? I'm not God, y'know. Did you try the Vatican? I believe they have a direct line to the Big Guy.

11. sticky valve medical jargon

Sticky valve is not a medical term, FYI. We have lots of valves on our body, and some of them do get a little sticky sometimes, causing heart disease, varicose veins, etc. But since reader satisfaction (I shall pretend that there is no number 7) is my main reason for blogging, I shall list a few of the cardiac valve lesions. *clears throat*
Mitral stenosis/regurgitation, Atrial stenosis/regurgitation, Tricuspid stenosis/regurgitation, and Pulmonary stenosis/regurgitation.
There. You are the happy, no?

12. treated like shit by orthpaedics [sic] doctor

Here, have a piece of toilet paper tissue.

13. picture of a pancreas in deer

Oh, deer. I do not understand what you mean. Do you want to know what the pancreas of a deer looks like, or how a human pancreas would react if placed inside the body of a deer?

14. iam eye laboratories

You have started a new chain of laboratories? You are a lab? Good for you. But you've made gross mistakes in both your spelling and your grammar, which could be a source of customer dissatisfaction.
Why don't you change the name to I eye laboratories? Throw in a couple of cute receptionists, and you should have plenty of sailors flocking to your establishment.

15. quietly pseudophakic in the right eye

I am very sorry to hear that. I hope the eye on the left makes enough noise to compensate for the silence on the right side.

16. sit at home for medicos

I sit at home knitting sweaters because I am medico and I have nothing to do.

17. psm textbooks(preventive and social medicine)

We mallus, being non conformists, call it SPM, for Sleep Producing Medicine. Medicos from other states (solid, liquid or gas) know it as PSM, the Pain of Studying Medicine. Either way, the textbook is the same - Park's textbook of Preventive and Social Medicine. Those wishing to die a slow and painful death read the Park, others visit Sweden and make blonde jokes.

18. opd means

OPD stands for Out Patient Department. Glad to oblige.

19. st. clair thompson's adenoid curette

Adenoidectomy! Tonsils! Rhinosporidiosis! Septoplasty! Aargh! ENT! You're giving me nightmares.

And, ladies and gentlemen, the number one traffic generator is...
*dramatic pause*

20. adorable pancreas blog

Awww! Thanks, guys! I love you all!