Sunday, September 28, 2008

Glow, Siree

Do you know the 12 causes of massive splenomegaly? The 7 radiological findings in a patient with long-standing mitral stenosis? The differential diagnoses in a patient with hepatic bruit?

You don't? Well, your life isn't worth living anymore. At least, that was what I was told when they found out I didn't know what albuminocytological dissociation was.

I am way too depressed to be writing about my misadventures in the Medicine clinics. You, my favouritest people on Earth (after my mom and Superman), are going to be treated to a glossary of terms used by the average mallu medico. Yes, things are that bad.

1. Desp
Who doesn't know this one? Short for despondent, it covers everything from pre-exam blues to alimentary failure. Often prefixed by vann, katta, bhayankara, regardless of its appropriateness.
e.g.: Desp exam, dude.

2. Horror
This encompasses that complex range of emotions that assault you upon running into The Vampire when you sneak off to the canteen for a cup of tea.
e.g.: Horror exam, dude.

3. Waste
Garbage, of the performance kind.
e.g.: Waste exam, dude.

4. Kalippu
Trouble, I guess. One if those words that defy the English language.

5. Keeri ottichu
Literally, torn and stuck (onto some surface). What the examiner does to a student on the orals.
e.g.: Dude, how did your ENT viva go?
Keeri ottichu, man.

6. Vann/Katta
Adjectives, meaning very.
e.g.: Vann/Katta desp/horror/waste exam, dude.
AP, that was a katta presentation. :D (They really did say that. Without threats or bribes.)

7. Coople
A derogatory term for couple, used by chronically single medicos.

8. Kidu/Kidilam/Katta
e.g.: "Have you seen that katta hottie in Surgery?"
"Oh, yesss..." *drools*

9. I am the happy.
The medico's comment on running into the aforementioned hottie.

10. Sasi (pronounced sha-shi)
A mallu male. The same guy who saved up for 3 months to buy the best pair of jeans ever made, and wore it for a week and raved about its fit, only to find out later that his sister owned the exact same pair.

11. Chronics
Medicos who have not been seen in class since the first day back in first year. Most of them are sleeping or watching movies, some of them drive taxis.

12. SP
A medico (or a doctor) who cannot stop singing his own praises.
e.g.: "I can transplant a liver in less than 10 minutes."
"Yeah, I am a vann kidu."

13. PCP
In use only among my friends. Stands for paapi chellunnidam pathalam, which means that hell is where the sinner is. And the sinner is yours truly. Here is a typical day in the life of a PCP.
"I was late getting up, and had to skip breakfast. I missed my bus, and the auto I managed to get could be outrun by a turtle. And then he charged me twice the actual rate, and I had to pay him, because arguing with him would make me late for class. I broke all speed records on my way to the classroom, only to find the door being shut as the teacher was 5 seconds ahead of me. I was yelled at, marked absent, and then had to sit through the most boring class of the century. In the middle of which, my cell phone rang, and I was severely reprimanded for disrupting the class. (It was my mom calling to ask if I had the plumber's number.) I found out I had forgotten to bring my homework, the one that had taken me the whole of last night to write, because it was kept next to my breakfast. Which I didn't eat, because I had woken up late. Because I was up the whole night doing my homework."
This, peoples, is PCP.

14. Chori
A very irritating person, more or less. More, actually.
e.g.: That narcoleptic in SPM is a horror chori.

15. Chalu
A joke that can cause bodily harm to the teller.
e.g.: What is haste cuisine?
Fast French food.

I think there are more. In fact, I know there are more, but I can't think of any right now. I'll leave you with these now, and go complete my assignment. I have to submit it tomorrow morning.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Drinking Saliva and Other Stuff

Classy title, don't you think?
I went to bed the other night, and when I woke up in the morning (it being a working day, natch, my wake up time on any other day cannot be called 'morning' with any amount of imagination, unless you live in, say, Botswana), my salivary glands had started secreting acid instead of saliva. At least, that was what my throat told me.

Being me, I had to get a look at that lying slime of a throat (I have never known the parotids to secrete acid before), which was why my mom found me standing in front of the mirror with my mouth wide open, and a flashlight in my tonsils. (The flashlight was not in my tonsils, it only looked that way to my mom.)

Do you know what an inflamed pharynx looks like? More to the point, do you know what my inflamed pharynx looks like? If you don't, count yourself out of that unlucky class of people known as my friends. They are also intimately familiar with every crypt on my tonsils, the number of papillae on my tongue, and other stuff they did not really want to know, like the number of teeth in my mouth.

The most disturbing comment about my pharynx came from The Star, who said, "You have a big mouth."
Point taken. :(

P. S. For those of you who are worried about me, it was only a slight pharyngitis (although it felt like I was dying), and I am loads better now.
P. S. 2. My posting is going well, I promise blog about it 'soon'.
P. S. 3. No one but my ENT will get to see my pharynx again.
P.S. 4. This is my 50th blog post. Thank you, all of you!

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Happy Onam

I take a few days, all right, a month, off, and the Big Brother, of all people, tells me to get back to blogging. He even suggested a topic, a heinous crime committed by a person who gave us half our chromosomes. Since this is now a family blog (the Big Brother is very proud of the Baby Sister and sent the link to all our cousins), I am forced to cut down on the grotesque details of hosital life. On the upside, I now have a vast readership*. A special hi to Miyumon, for saying all that nice stuff about my writing, which proves that you did not read it, but I won't hold it against you. :)

My mother 'misplaced' my blue umbrella. The pretty one that looked like it was made of denim and was lighter than half a positron, and is not available any more in any of the umbrella stores. She will pay for it. By taking care of me when I fall ill from getting drenched in the rain.

Oh, by the way, final year is nice. I have nine textbooks for one subject alone. And that's the nicest part.

Happy Onam, all of you. You'll get a new post soon. Very soon.

*I have a family jungle that would put the Amazon forest to shame.