Tuesday, December 16, 2008

The Uvula

I miss Surgery. All of you who read my whiny "Surgery is a pile of blood stained shit" post, please retrieve your eyeballs from the screen, and proceed to the next paragraph.

I had an epiphany while watching a patient having his cancerous pancreas removed. (Fitting, don't you think?) However, it was soon clear that the disease had spread to the rest of his body, and the procedure was abandoned. He has six months left, possibly less. It was all very depressing, but the patient was symptomatic, and his last days should be made as comfortable as possible. So they decided to connect his intestine to his gall bladder to relieve his jaundice (which was what brought him to the hospital in the first place). And would you believe it, I got this warm fuzzy feeling inside as the gall bladder was being emptied of its enviable collection of stamps bile, and long story short, I fell in love with Surgery. *gazes dreamily into the distance*

Naturally, I did not go back home and read up every Surgery textbook I have. That would have killed the luurve in my heart. I managed to pass the Surgery end posting exam (a minor miracle), and I now haunt the "Mothers, Old & New" section of the Mother & Baby Hospital. Luckily, I have forgotten everything that I have ever learnt about Ob-G, so uphill task, it is not. Of course, I never knew much, so the vacuum should shorten the second stage of my education. I am so punny today. Please, laugh. A child loses a marble every time you don't, and those of you who don't are responsible for all the insanity in the world. Yes, feel guilty. And laugh.

Do you know what a prolapsed uterus looks like? I do, and I wish to God I did not. Seeda!

My niece is now one, and is the cleverest baby on earth. Of course she would be, she takes after me. Everybody says she looks like me when I was her age. And she can walk, and talk, and pull my hair when she is irritated. She hates bananas, and loves my mom. The cat becomes a mere speck on the horizon when he hears her, and she has single handedly tried to destroy the car even when she was not behind the wheel. Also, her laugh sounds like the call of a hyena being slowly strangled.

Look at that. I am a Mallampati class 1 too! On the plus side, sleep apnoea cannot touch us.

I don't really have a lot else to say. Life is boring, with no knights in distress, no rich patients leaving a fortune to an impoverished medico who held his/her hand while being given an injection and later dies of "unknown causes", no sudden useful inspirations regarding the cure for AIDS (apparently, mine were all idiotic), no winning the lottery (probably because I don't buy lottery tickets, but still, tedious), no sky falling on my head (tomorrow never comes). I did have a crow fall on my head a couple of years ago, but that was worse than having it crap on my head, because the ungrateful beast pecked me for saving it from an ignominious death. It was better than the time a bat crapped on my head. Excuse me for throwing up twice while washing that shit off my hair.

It has been six months since my Dad divorced his body. Visitors are always (tactlessly) enquiring why we do not have a huge framed and garlanded picture of the pater placed prominently in every room. What are we supposed to say? That he is not dead inside our minds? Or that we would have had him stuffed and mounted to show our grief, only he was cremated before we thought of it? Those people make me want to kick them hard. I did not mean to end on this note, but it's his birthday today, and I miss his "I am NOT old" speech.


blahsfamous said...

your niece is cute :)

lost your marbles, girl?
well you sure can garble
bat and crow, far far up
decided one day they'd had enough
lets all just throw up

the wrong end they chose
and, oh my, wasn't it a generous dose

landed on top of a perky lassie
dressed up all classy
and who would've wondered
she was our very own Dr. APee :)?

who takes to surgery
like a true mallu takes to phish curry
and once the poo stuck
she went hopping yuck-yuck

phew finally made it rhyme... hope that cheers you up :)

brocasarea said...

u mean he had periamp ca and he underwent cholecystojejunostomy??...

ur neice is damn cute:)...

[i admire ur writing style]

rm said...

all the best.

Cathy said...

I enjoyed that post :)

And people should mind their own business. You won't forget your Dad, no matter how you choose to remember him

Bullshee said...

It's good that you haven't lost your sense of humour after what you just went through.

Mallus are always tactless. We breath tactlessness. Faux paus and bloopers are our livelihood! Just look at the CM of the state!

P.s- how do you know it was a bat?

ToOothlEss WOndeR! said...

i got crapped on just yesterday, getting out of a rickshaw, whose driver was nice.
The crow did the in-light "welcome to the real world" thing.

and my niece just turned one too. She seems to be obsessed with clocks and nothing else.
Her parents are till thinking about a name.
For now she's called "dingling". :)

ponygirlrocks89 said...

I know what a prolasped uterus looks like in a cow. I would imagine its not any prettier in a human. AND I'm guessing that in humans, you don't pour sugar on it to make the swelling go down. That's what we do in veterinary medicine (I'm a third year student in the middle of clinics). Maybe you could keep it in mind. You never know.

Adorable Pancreas said...

It did. Made me laugh. Thank you!

He had carcinoma pancreas and underwent a cholecystojejunostomy.
You mean that I am damn cute. I know, but thank you all the same. ;)
[And thanks.]


Thank you!
People should, but they don't. At least here in Kerala.

Among other things (teeth, for one), I have also inherited my dad's sense of humour. And he is the kind of guy who makes jokes at funerals. (Not really, but you get the idea.)
The Big Brother said it was a bat. He should know, he's the Batman fan.

Adorable Pancreas said...

toothless wonder,
Did you say 'kakka thooriyena thonnunne?' Say you did!
My niece is obsessed with the sound of her own voice. :)

I've read about prolapsed uterus in cows in Herriot's books. It's called inversion if it happens after childbirth. What we call prolapse is a problem of post-menopausal multiparous old women, and we do a hysterectomy for them.