Monday, December 17, 2007

A Walk With The Park

No, I didn't get the title wrong.

The Park is a torture device that can cause the entire medico population to become whimpering imbeciles at the mere mention of the P-word. We were fooled into thinking that The Park is an ordinary textbook, but, as many of its victims can attest, it is much more dangerous than The Monster Book of Monsters. All those who tried to find out the exact nature of The Park have perished in the attempt. May their souls rest in peace.

The Park contains many unidentified toxins. The most potent of these has been identified a neurotoxin known as Somnifera 420. It has a unique mechanism of action- acting through the optic nerve to produce paralysis of the extra ocular muscles, which soon extends to the facial nerve, causing paralysis of the facial muscles, including the orbicularis oculi, leading to drooping of the eyelids. It stimulates the parasympathetic system, causing the patient to drool, which, combined with the facial nerve palsy, can cause to cause a casual observer to infer that the patient is asleep. Prolonged administration of The Park can cause extensive brain damage, resulting in coma. The importance of early detection of Park poisoning and prompt termination of exposure in preventing irreversible brain damage cannot be emphasised enough, as there is no known antidote to any of the toxins. In certain susceptible individuals, The Park has triggered a violent biochemical reaction by which the individual becomes a Parkist afterwards.

The Park commands a large army of Parkists. These sorry excuses for a doctor call themselves specialists in Community Medicine, but fervent anti-Parkists know them to be actual SPMs (Secret Parkist Militant). During the undergraduate years, the future Parkists are indistinguishable from ordinary human beings. The change is apparently triggered the PG entrance, during which their true Parkist nature is unmasked. There are a few innocents who succumb to Parkist pressure and decide to become Parkists, but they soon realise their mistake and quit. The Parkists are members of a cult similar to the Prieuré de Sion, but unlike the Priory, they do not worship The Park in secret. They often hold large public ceremonies with hordes of food, known by various names such as seminars and CMEs. This is actually a ploy to attract hungry medicos.

The Park also has questionable associations with an international militant organisation. No one knows who they are, and who heads them, and therefore, it is known as The WHO. Some believe that The WHO uses rock music to lull the world into Parkism. The WHO is supposedly based in Geneva, and have been openly involved in many international crimes such as the eradication of smallpox, and the plan to do the same with poliomyelitis.

The Park ruined my weekend. My fortnightly SPM exams are very taxing, and the preparations for the last one, which was postponed to GOK when, are driving me crazy. half the class decided to bunk the exam- it was obvious they didn't intended for any of us to pass. Health programs in India, for God's sake. I absolutely refuse to memorise the date of launching of the National Rural Mission and the date when they decided that the name National Malaria Eradication Programs was stupid. I chose Science because I hated History, and now look at what the Parkists are doing to me.

I'm done with the Surgery casualty. The last day I bothered to attend, I nearly collapsed on the patient. I had been working the ambu bag (the patient had been intubated) for nearly half an hour, and I was drained of the little energy I had. I never rely on my instant impression of people, since I don't like sentencing someone without evidence. But I realised that day that I was correct in assuming her selfish- she was standing behind me while I was blacking out, and she didn't offer help. I'm willing to consider that she may have had her reasons for doing that. But it was downright inhuman of her to refuse to help me when I asked- she said she didn't "feel like putting on gloves". I would have throttled her if I had the energy. I gave her The Look, and she hurried off to get the gloves. Now, for some dumb reason, all the gloves in the box were lefts. You can put on a left handed glove on your right hand without much difficulty. That idiot of a female took off the glove on her left hand when she found out the other glove was a left, and left. I thought she would never come back, but she did. twin, who had been busy with another patient till then, caught me before I fell. Please don't get the impression that I was being selfless and dedicated. I wasn't. The PG on duty needed someone to work the ambu while he tried to stitch the patient back into something that resembled a human being, and caught me while I was trying to escape the stink. There was another patient with a gangrenous foot in the room, and the smell was unbearable. Anyway, I struck Selfish off my friends list. And well, at the risk of sounding overly dramatic, I can never forgive her giving precedence to her inconvenience than to the patient's life. Why do people with absolutely no concern for the patient want to become doctors? Or am I being too idealistic? The patient wouldn't have died if I'd stopped for a minute, but it was my responsibility to see to his ventilation, and that was the only reason I stood my ground.

I have started my next posting- Obstetrics. I'll be looking at pregnant women all month long. I loved Orthopaedics, though I sucked at it, but I hate the subject I'm good at. Ironic, like Alanis Morissette sang. Everything I learnt about Obs, more than a year ago, came back to me.

I am a strict political atheist. I cannot understand why people take their political stands so seriously. We have staunch Commies at war with the new Radicals. The Commies brought goondas into the campus, the Radicals disturb my beauty sleep by sending text messages in the middle of the night, as part of their campaigning. I'm not sure which one I should not give my vote to. My sleep is very valuable, but I don't like thugs littering my campus either. Decisions, decisions...

I shall leave you to ruminate on a favourite quote from The Park.
“Tuberculosis is a social disease with medical aspects.”


Ziah said...

that quote was deadly! :) It sounded straight outta my sociology textbook in my freshman year of lawschool... zzzzzzzzzzzz....:) Happy swinging in the Park.. now Park that smart butt on Park in the Park... huh.. never mind!:)

Spunky Monkey said...

I have said this before. I will sy it again, if only to give due to the man. Park is The Dude (both of them).
Here are a few of my favorites-

1. Free-roaming healthy bitches.
2. Dogs have the habit of licking.
3. Accidents are more in developing countries due to unusual behaviour of men and animals.
4. The Japanese smoke like chimneys (judgment passed on an entire nation. Way cool)
5. Some people commit suicide by drowning. Some by smoking.

Keshi said...

Nice one girl!

**5. Some people commit suicide by drowning. Some by smoking.

I like that too Spunky!


Anonymous said...

i am sure u'll hit it out of the park :D

Tys on Ice said...

No parking please!

u seem to be making an art out off passing out in emergencies...

ap, iam truly worried abt u :)

its just way too cool to know tht kerala campus politics have become hitech with sms and, whn i was in law academy, it was walking arnd the campus with some red flags and shouting slogans...

next, u will tell me they hve websites...

i think iam passing out...

meliorix said...

There's a useful aide memoire to Health Programs and dates...if you are unsure, bet on 1st April.Usually right.
Some Park PJs:
-What do you call a Park sold in Chennai?: South Park.
-What do you call a leather bound Park? Hyde Park.
-When you lose your Park, you buy a 'Park Havenue'
-What do Park and Park Jr suffer from? ParkNSon's disease.

Tea N. Crumpet said...

Where can I get a copy of The Park?

Di said...

wow...each time u make me more glad i didnt take up medicine.And man! i sure did miss all tht campus politics.. :( blore was sooo dead in tht regard, no drama at all....hrmpf :-/
and dont keep passing out sweetie..ur havin proper meals arent u! :O

Ziah said...

heyyy! I know its hols.. but you dont get to PARK your blogging okayyy...:)

Pssst... I managed chap 3 of muffet.. go check it out wen u have the time..:)