Sunday, October 14, 2007

Medicine 101

It has come to my knowledge that people have strange ideas about the medical profession, and in particular, about medical students. Like, we are always found buried under piles of textbooks. I have been authorised to abort these misconceptions. By whom, you might ask. Authoriser, authorisee, author, all me. We do not believe in outsourcing.

1. All medical students (and doctors) are brilliant.

That one's true. Except for that hag in Physiology who flunked me in first year. And that snot-nosed guy who keeps sending me love poems. See for yourself.
Patient presenting with head injury after falling from a tree. Medico takes the history.
Medico: How did this happen?
Patient: I fell from a coconut tree.
Medico: Do you have a family history of any relatives falling from coconut trees?

2. Medical students spend all their free time studying.

Of course not. We engage in a number of activities that do not involve books. Like examining each others' tympanic membranes, scouring the wards for patients with heart murmurs, listening to professors bragging talking about their surgical skills, helping our dearest professors de-stress by having them shout at around us, honing our assmosis skills, etc. After these extra curricular activities, we unwind at the on-campus, free, air-conditioned dormitory known as the Library. A few of the pillows we used last year are are shown on the left.

3. Medical students are arrogant jerks.

I was very shocked to hear this one. We are not arrogant. Filthy Muggles! How dare you speak of us that way? *points knee hammer* "Avada kedavra!"

4. Medical students do not have a sense of humour.

First of all, I doubt that sentence is grammatically correct. Shouldn't it be senses of humour? And it is absolutely untrue. It may be a warped sense of humour, but it exists.
Me: What does a patient with diplopia say when he sees a bee?
R: Two bee or not two bee?
Me: Yeah, muscae volitantes (a condition that is also known as 'swarm of bees').
Both: Hahahahahaha!

5. Medical students (and doctors) do not fall ill. Ever.

Yeah, we gave up our humanity when we chose this profession. And the initiation ceremony involves a bone marrow transplant from Wolverine.
I think there was one person in my class who did not get measles during the outbreak last year. Me. Because I was at home recovering from chicken pox.

6. Medical students start minting money as soon as they graduate.

This one doesn't even merit an answer.

7. Medical students are the ones performing surgical procedures in the medical colleges.

I have done 4 thyroidectomies, 3 laparotomies, 6 hysterectomies, 2 hernioplasties, 8 tonsillectomies, 5 CABGs, 2 hip replacements, 4 face reconstructions, and 7 appedicectomies. Jeez! I haven't even seen a CABG. I have given a blood transfusion once. Meaning I hung the bag of blood on the stand. I can draw blood from veins, but so can a lab technician, and they do it better.

8. Medical students are interested only in Medicine.

I have no idea how this one started. Is it because we are called medical students? This bears no semblance to the truth. We are also interested in Surgery, Obstetrics & Gynaecology, Paediatrics, Orthopaedics, Anaesthesia, Ophthalmology, ENT, and in sub-specialities of the above, although individual preferences will vary.

9. Doctors make easy money for a simple job.

36 hour shifts are all in a day-and-a-half's work to a doctor. Occasionally getting beaten up by drunk patients is part of the fun. Physical exertion is definitely not a problem, especially to those who perform an average of 4-6 CPRs a day. Not if you're built like a pre-bite Peter Parker. Oh, and a starting salary of 4 figures unquestionably falls into the 'easy money' category.

10. Medical students are hard-working.

There are some of us ruining our reputations this way, but most of us would be insulted if we were called hard working. Our brilliance lets us make do with all-nighters before the exam. Oh, and most times, it doesn't feel like work. :)

That should do away with a lot of myths. OT tomorrow. I have an adenoidectomy to perform. Good night.


ToOothlEss WOndeR! said...

your iq chart says there is a possibility that my dad could be as intelligent as the brightest doctor (who could possibly be the wisest ass on the face of earth.)
he should be happy to hear that.
After all these years that he told that he should have slept, now he can be happy - wrong place or the right, he is supposed to have a big brain.
hey, good luck with the.. err.. adenoidectomy!

Keshi said...

Nice to know :)

**Medico: Do you have a family history of any relatives falling from coconut trees?


**4. Medical students do not have a sense of humour.

somehow I believed it to be true until I came across ur blog. :)


Sreejith said...

so many lies we had been fed on! But then there is one truth you forgot - medics speak in medical jargon all the time! need proof? read adorable pancreas' blog! was that osmosis you were punning on? :P

btw this 'avada kedavra' sounds like something i tell my dog(Angie) :P ex.. Angie sleep! avade kedakadi!

S said...

Where do you get all these humor from. i like your attitude of looking things in a lighter way. Nice post. Keep it up -

S said...

Where do you get all these humor from. i like your attitude of looking things in a lighter way. Nice post. Keep it up -

Ziah said...

hahahaha.. lovely! :) Nice go, again.:)

Tys on Ice said...

jeez ap, u really mean to say that being a doc is juts like any other jo...i lost out in all those pennu kannals to the mallu docs....shit, they didnt even hve enuff iq..

thanks for setting records for humour, i know docs have doctor always burst out laughing when i take off my pants for a physical..

Spunky Monkey said...

"9. Doctors make easy money for a simple job."

Says Who? We die rich, but live through abject poverty.
All points very true. Go AP, go.
Bhesh, bhesh.

Nariyal Chutney said...

I knew all these earlier :). So didnt opt for the medical seat even though I got one :P . After that only realised that Engineeing was even more a fart than medicine :D

sirpy said...

LOL... The assmosis part.. Too good.. Amazing style of writing..

Talk to the hand said...

What our batch lacked in humor was more than made up for by some very funny happennings ...Im reminded of this time during medicine clinics, an enthusiastic fellow student , in order to check the patients facial nerve, asked the patient ,to show his teeth. To her dismay and our glee, he took out his dentures and handed them to her!

Kottikkal said...

U definitely reflect humour in ur language...keep it up

mathew said...

Hey we know all about medicine and stuff..we have seen munnabhai!!;-P

but seriously tough profession for really tough people..

Di said...

who said u guys dont have a sense of humour,huh?!! But based on experience with my doc frnds..i can safely say that their sense of humour broadens enuf for me to give a scandalised look every 2 minutes they speak! Phew!

Adorable Pancreas said...

@toothless wonder:
Make your dad happy. tell him to read my blog. ;)

And the post serves its purpose. :)

You eat lice? Ewww!
Assmosis. :)
You don't read Harry Potter? *sob* You've put a picture of Angie in your blog, haven't you? Chee lookch cho chweet. :P

Thanksh. :)

Dankyu. :)

@tys on ice:
I do. And your doc is very unprofessional, but I don't think the poor guy can help it. :P

@spunky monkey:
I am going. Um, where?
Danku, spunky simian.

@nariyal chutney:
One of the lucky few who managed to escape, eh?

Now you've done it. My head won't fit through doors anymore.

@talk to the hand:
That was funny. Better than the 'hydrocoele burst!' one. ;)

Thank you. :)

How could I forget munnabhai?
I feel like Clint Eastwood. Walking up to a baddie and calmly shooting him through the heart. :P

A lot of people say that. We develop a penchant for bad jokes during MBBS, if we didn't have it already.

Norina said...

People should read this.