War Bulletin

Good evening.
The latest report on the 'Viva Wars', brought to you by Adorable Pancreas.

Although of the initial reports were of the of peace talks being successful, they were proved to be as false as a waltzing kangaroo when our war correspondent, AP, reached the front. The peace-loving soldiers were preparing for battle, holstering their hall tickets, and confirming that they had clean uniforms on. A spy from the enemy camp confirmed that the enemies favoured the weapon known as CLIP (clinical pathology). AP immediately urged the soldiers to tell her more about the CLIP, but was drawn into battle herself when she heard that it was actually a weapon of mass destruction involving urine and blood.

The Battle of Pathology was fought in the Pathology Laboratory, and our brave correspondent, AP, was one of the last soldiers to be called up. Sgt. AP, can you please tell us about your encounter with the WoMD called CLIP?

AP: I was mortally afraid when I heard of the CLIP. Soldiers such as Sgt. Twin tried to prepare me to deal with it, but I became aware of its power when I entered the battle and saw Sgt. A fighting a losing battle with a urinometer. I do not think I've ever been as scared as when I was called up for urine. I was made to chemically analyse the urine component of CLIP. I do not know how I managed to complete it. But somehow, I managed to that part of CLIP without too many injuries.

Good for you, Sgt. AP. What happened next?

AP: Little did I know that worse things were to follow the urine. I was made to make a peripheral smear from the blood kept in a penicillin bottle. My hands were shaking so much that my smear looked like a caterpillar. The enemy jeered at me, and I regret to say, I got mortally wounded.

We are so sorry to hear that, Sergeant. What did you do?

AP: I had to sworn to fight for the noble cause, that is, finishing off the *&%$#@ exams! Dragging my useless leg (that's where I got shot), I managed to reach the Blood Typing front. The enemy stationed there was not a local one, but his fame had travelled far and wide. He was supposed to be the greatest CLIP warrior ever!

Oh, my God! Do you mean General Anaesthesia?

AP: No, it was President CLIP Bush.

OH, MY GOD! AP! Are you still alive?

AP: Yeah. And I am proud to say that I floored President Bush. It cost me an arm and a leg, but I managed to escape without sustaining any major injuries. Other than the arm and the leg, that is.

Congratulations, Sergeant. So you finished Urine, Blood, and Blood Typing. That leaves only the... Oh, no.

AP: Yess.... The peripheral smear reporting.

I hate to ask you this, but our ratings are more important. What did you do?

AP: Your ratings are not more important. I cannot bring myself to relive the horror.

Yes, yes. Whatever.

AP: *sob*

You deserve a bravery award. Happy?

AP: Yes, I do, you know. *sob*

There, there. It's over now.

AP: It shall haunt me forever.

Err... Let's change the topic. What about the spotting?

AP: MOMMY! I want to see my Mommy. MOMMYYY....

Oh, forget the spotting. How was the Battle of the Viva I?

AP: Good. Bad. Ugly. Uterus.

Uterus?

AP: The 4th enemy was surrounded by glass jars containing uteri. By the use of extreme cunning, stealth, and intelligence, I've managed to obtain a photograph of one of the uteri.

I have serious doubts regarding the ability of our loyal audience to tolerate such gruesome sights. Don't send it.

AP: I already have.

That isn't so bad. Adenomyosis, isn't it?

AP: Yeah. *sigh*

Thank you, Sgt. AP. Moving onto our sports segment, we have the 20/20 match between West Indies and South Africa. Our special correspondent, AP, is on the scene right now. AP, who won the toss?

AP: What the *beep*? Cricket? Don't you barking morons know I have to bomb the Forensic Labs tomorrow? Jeez. Never worked for a more inefficient bunch before. I QUIT!

Err... Certain 'technical problems' force us to end this bulletin right now. We'll be back, with more reports-

AP: Don't count on it.