Ulcerated corn-ya

Funny how a lot of terms in Ophthalmology seem to end in ya. Pseudo-fake-ya (that's redundant, but I did not coin the term), a-fake-ya, corn-ya, you've-ya... OK, I'm overdoing it. But I hardly ever do anything, so I tend overdo it when I do. (Bad sentence. Go stand in the corner.)

What I wanted to say was, I took a case! After giving attendance at the canteen, Skoda was distressed to hear that I hadn't seen a case yet, since I didn't know where the wards were. She decided to rectify this horrible situation, and took me to the ward, which was posing as a construction area in an attempt to keep me out, complete with loud noises designed to render a stethoscope non-functional. Errr... Not the stethoscope. No one auscultates eyeballs, so my Littmann is gathering dust at home. *sob*

The first sight that greets me in the wards is an old man being assaulted by a gang of hoodlums. Closer examination revealed the goons to be none other than Tall, Short and Bachhu. On seeing me, they immediately lost interest in the old man and transfered their attention to me.

Bachhu: AP has come to take the case, guys.
Me: But-
Tall: AP will present the case today.
Me: But-
Skoda: I love her presentations.
Me: But-
Short: Cute nurse.
Me: But-
Tall: I haven't heard her present a case yet.
Me: But-
Bachhu: We'll help you.
Me: But-
Skoda: Oh, thanks Bachhu.
Me: But-
Short: Cute nurse.
Me: But-
Tall: Ammava, enthu pattiyitha? [What happened to you?]
Me: But-
Patient: Ente ponnu mone, oru pani vannappo thudangi enikku kannu kanan vayya. [My beloved son, I can't see after a bout of fever.]
Me: But-
Skoda: Sure it isn't another hooch tragedy?
Me: But-
Short: Cute nurse.
Me: But-
Tall: Yeah.
Me: But-
Bachhu: Relax, AP. This will be a breeze.
Me: But-
Skoda: Don't worry.
Me: But-

Everyone ignores me and Tall proceeds to take the old man's history. His left eye (not Tall's, the patient's) was swollen shut, and Short gets the patient to prise it open so we can examine it.

Everyone: Gaaah! What's that????
Patient: A corneal ulcer of bacterial aetiology, secondarily infected with some fungal pathogen.

OK, the patient didn't say that, but it would have been cool if he did. Anyway, the poor guy had a huge ulcer on his cornea, a yellowish opaque area, right on top of the pupil. The conjunctiva was inflamed, red, swollen and fleshy, and looked like something out of a horror movie. It looked worse than the eye in the picture, and that cornea isn't ulcerated. Believe me, this is mild compared to the poor guy's eye. The corneal ulcer paled in comparison, but the two together made for a gruesome combination. I believe conjunctival involvement to this degree is less common.

After completing the case taking, I was led back to the lecture hall. Madam came and asked, "Who is presenting the case today?" Skoda lifted my hand into the air. Tall, Short and Bachhu merely grinned. They'd done it before.

I was made to stand in front of the whole class (29 suddenly unfamiliar friendly faces) and read out the case. I'm trying to forget the major chori [very loosely translated as scratch] I suffered at the hands of that chori Madam. She made me read out each line twice, and by the time I reached the end, I was a nervous wreck.

Madam(after I've read out the history and examination twice): So, what is your diagnosis?
Me(nervously): Corneal ulcer-
Madam: Which eye???
Me: And immature cataract. Oh. *pause* Left eye.
Madam: If you couldn't see the pupil, how do you know he has cataract?
Me: Oh. *pause* Mild immature cataract, right eye.
Madam: Class, is there anything such as mild immature cataract?
Class: No, Ma'am.
Madam (to me): You are such a moron.
Me: Yes, Ma'am.
Madam: So, tell me the diagnosis once again.
Me (sweating profusely): C-c-c-corneal u-u-ulcer, l-l-left eye a-a-and m-m-I mean, i-i-immature c-cataract, r-r-r-right eye.

She didn't let me return to my seat, and I had to stand there while she started speaking to me in Chinese.
Madam: How will you clinically diagnose the aetiology of a corneal ulcer without resorting to laboratory tests? In case you cannot make a clinical diagnosis, what are the lab investigations you will do? Will you do a corneal scraping or a direct illumination fundoscopy?
Me: Huh?

All right, that question is bull, but she did go on and on about aetiological clinical diagnosis and predisposing factors and GOK what else while I stood and sweated. She stopped the class after a collective groan when our watches showed 12.15 and she was still bulldozing along about stages of cataract. Greatly moved by the experience, Short and Bachhu carried me to the bus on a stretcher.

Anyway, I made Tall buy me a Jumbo Chicken Sandwich after we reached the college (the Ophthalmology department is not situated in the Medical College campus). Short and Bachhu couldn't be found.

The ENT people had scheduled a torture session after lunch, but it was cancelled, and we all went home. I spent the rest of the day alternating between the toilet and the bed. I think there was something in my sandwich that had no business being there.